Feeling Better & Reflecting on Open Source

I’m beginning to feel much better now — the past few weeks have been hellish for me, especially in the evenings.

Every night, after my medicinal amphetamines wore off, I was filled with extreme exhaustion, high levels of anxiety, racing thoughts, and deep feelings of dread.

I’m not exactly sure why — it appears to simply be (an unfortunate) phase of bipolar disorder. I wish people who witness my public persona were more understanding (e.g. people on GitHub) — I’ve been closing issues with terse responses, not un–cordial, and sometimes no response at all, and people have not been reacting to that in a positive manner.

I feel like the expectations that have been placed upon myself are impossible to meet at all times, and that people demand perfection from someone who strives for perfection in themselves.

It’s not fair, when you think about it. Instead of being rewarded for striving to be best, I feel as though I’m being punished for doing my best during a difficult time.

Developers are very logical thinkers, often emotional creatures, but they generally seem to lack a sense of empathy in their interactions with maintainers, and set extremely high expectations upon others, especially when consuming their software.

The piece of content that is brought to my attention most often is Be Cordial or Be On Your Way. It was, and is, written with the best intentions, but is now being used as a weapon against me for simply trying to keep up with a project that needs attention in a time when I’m feeling not–my–best.

Just being candid. I used to desire users (of my software) above all else. Now, I crave the latter — I want to build software that can be appreciated in a silent chamber, void of anything but the occasional “hey this is great!”.

Of course Pipenv has flaws. Of course, there’s work to be done. We’re just getting started.

Just — be patient, geeze. And speak with code more, less with words. Words are annoying. Code speaks louder than words.

Code actually helps.

Thoughts & Musings: a (Public) Journal

A collection of hand-written essays by Kenneth Reitz.